Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'm breaking apart. How am I suppose to face my cousin and Xh in the future? Family gatherings they would be there. Celebrations of festivals they would be there too.
So am I going to explain another round? Ignorance I have done. Ain't working. I don't want to see them anymore. They think simply too much and doubt everything I say. I just want someone simple. That's all. A girl that willing to walk with me, enjoy the bliss, savor the bitterness and walk the path of life.
Got rejected is a small issue, but after I got doubt for being angry, which I explained clearly myself for four times. After that, I silently admitted to all my mistakes as I didn't want to voice my thoughts again. I'm sick of repeating myself. Now, I bear the guilt and mistakes on myself. Easier life for me and I do not need to explain once again and get doubts which I loathe to core.
Second issue. I'm kinda tired handling the house as in taking care of my siblings, luckily my little brother did not stray off to being a gangster, and my sister is working hard in school. My dear mother is taking care of the laundry, of course she likes to use "aiya, I wish someone could have help me..." and my siblings and I had to help out as and when is possible.
My father is indeed a successful businessman. But, he fails as a father. I'm as though doing his job and I hate him for that. Fails to celebrate our birthdays, fails to turn up for family gatherings, fails to mingle and know about us; he ain't know anything about us or how we fare either in social or work. I still remembered vividly how he caned me during my sleep due to his druken stupor. I remembered this for long.
I had to be the one for my family. Not trying to say I hate it, I wish someone would share these with me. It's getting heavy day by day. Tiring and fatigue to core. Though sometimes the burden gets removed for a short period of time, I have to face it at the end of the day.
Another issue is I got hold of two problems which ain't suppose to happen in the first place. This is embarrassing; but I feel irritated when I never do anything to signify passion for the other. Worst of all, some of my friends partook in this situations and I had to apologize for issues I've never done. Anyway, the most pressed matters are still settling cousin, xh and my father. My siblings are voicing out to me about my father's not doing well his job. Actually, till the very end, what I need?
I don't know. My friends asked me venture in relationship again when I lost this kind of trust after my first and 4 sweet years of romance. Break due to my obesity is causing her losing face. How people can be so superficial as and when they like. Well, I don't blame her as I was fat till I loathe myself when I look in the mirror. 120 ++ was me at that time. I was devastated. Then, finally meet the second one whom had many interests just like me, can talk about anything under the sun; she ain't want commitment. Commitment to me is important.
Third one, xh, she thinks too much and doubts here and there like my cousin. I'm blind to think she's suitable. I loathe totally when people doubt me. My style would be not explaining anything. You take my words, fine! Not, then forget it. Explained but treated nothing but mere dust speckles.
Of course as usual, I'm not a guy who will let my emotions get to my studies. I hope I get in to the roll of honours once again. At least, my dearest Mother would be happy and feel glad that what she had done was worthwhile.
Buck up, Soh. You have a long way ahead of you. Survive.
Age : 20
Family